So I’m writing you a letter on a brown paper bag. I have nothing else to write on as I am on the ferry. Taking the ferry alone is one of my favorite things. It makes me think and observe and I people watch. Just little things.
When I sit outside on the ferry is when I most believe in love. I don’t know why. Something about the wind makes me feel alive…the seagulls and the sky…whether its sunny and bright or cloudy and grey or nighttime and I’m surrounded by vast darkness…I just feel…FULL. Full of love and energy….almost as though I’m porous and the wind soars through tiny holes in my body and I’m part of it all…the earth and the people and the relation of everything with everything…as though I don’t matter…but its not scary…its wonderful….i feel so free.
It’s the only time I’m not afraid to die. Cuz I can feel the wind and I know that I’ll always be a part of life…and the love and energy that are contained in my skin will be let loose into the wind and the world will just know how much I care and love and I will live forever. I believe that love is what defines us as human. I believe that my love for you will never die. My heart breaks to think of how lucky I am. How happy and hopeful and full I am. I love you so solidly. I am real and you are real and I hope we will always be real. I am in awe of you. My interest in who you are is infinite. Drop a stone in the well of my desire for you and you’ll never hear it hit the bottom. You amaze me. Your love makes me invincible…no not invincible…immortal. Because when I die I believe my love for you will surround you till your soul joins mine in the wind.
I don’t mean to scare you but I think our generation is so indecisive that were petrified of commitment and the idea of forever. I will love you forever. Don’t be scared. I’m sorry if I annoy you with my talking…but I believe that life is a culmination of all the little things. Small moments, tiny memories, minor celebrations and losses. When you’re so far away I miss the discovery of the miniscule events. We don’t share them anymore. I don’t know what you’ve learned or seen or experienced.
Not that I need to be involved in every aspect…but I miss the little parts of loving you. The freckles on your neck, you swearing at your goddamn computer, playing games with our tongues, the smell of winter snow outside, your arms keeping me safe. I can’t imagine what I miss everyday we’re apart. We’re still growing and learning and I’m terrified you’re going to grow away from me…adjust to life without me…learn that you don’t need me.
Please know that I love you so deeply and completely and for real. I’m sitting inside now but I’m going to go out on deck and stand in the darkness in the wind so I can feel alive and free and full of love.
My love for you is fierce.