65redroses (65redroses) wrote,
65redroses
65redroses

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close calls

for today i need to drop the similes. poetics left standing in the doorframe. blue collared words only please.

i haven't stood up except to transfer to the commode. i can sit up easily cross legged to play cards, beating everyone who dares to play with me. they say me on drugs equals them with normal card playing abiility....and yet i continue to kick ass....

i still need someone with me at all times. my core team has been vigilant with this one and my mother in particular has been with me almost 24/7. it's an interesting way to get to know your mother. i am so grateful for our quiet times together. we spend a lot of time cuddling and focusing our positive energy and stretching my aching unused limbs

since posting that video a month ago on youtube....

there have been three close calls- each one a little worse then the last.

the most recent one - i had an allergic reaction to a bronchial dilating nebulizer... two minutes of breathing in this medication and i felt like i couldn't breathe. i quickly went from feeling like i couldn't breathe to actually NOT being able to breathe. my smaller airways had swollen and no air was getting through. the head nurse rushed in and tried to keep me conscious as the lack of oxygen was causing me to pass out. once the highest ranking doctor was in the room she assessed the situation and had ventilin (even though i react extra shakily to it) given to me. she thought it was too late as i was barely breathing and was in a non responsive state.
my family didn't stop.
they did exactly what i asked them to.
i had told them that if this were ever to happen that i am not ready yet. there may come a day but that day is not just yet. i want them to help me fight! my mum kept yelling and my brother sitting close talking loudly into my ear and holding my hand,
"don't give up eva! keep looking at me! come on you can do it...this is not your time!.. one more breath! come on eva! i love you!". for the next hour the doctors walked the balance between keeping me un-distressed (whenever i regained consciousness my lack of oxygen caused me a great amount of anxiety so i would begin to physically fight...not useful at this point in the game!) and breathing. they had to give meds to keep me sedated as i wouldn't stop fighting.
i can write about this now that time has passed and i am breathing a little easier but even a day after this event i had a tough time talking about it let alone writing it out for the world to share. my doctor told me that in 23 years of medical practice she had never seen someone recover from that state, from that much respiratory distress.

that happens and then your friends call the next day and ask how was the night? did you watch the hockey game?

it's so strange. this is my reality.


and then there are days devoted to nausea.
devoted.
ups and down. lights, no lights. chatting, silence.
puking
puking
puking
gravol
sleep
sleep
sleep
and there is a certain calmness in that sleep. to cuddle with my friends. to curl up with my family.

Tags: annie, hospital, love, maman, mum, vgh
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  • balance act

    i know i haven't updated properly in awhile i'm having a tough time holding onto my reality let alone the page it took awhile to sort out the proper…

  • good good, very good

    waves of clarity tidal pools attempting to retain that sense of self eddies swirling with confusion then the rocks exposed naked vulnerable as the…

  • lost somewhere between awake and asleep

    it's 3:48 in the morning i am lost i don't belong anywhere outside the city never sleeps midnight movements gliding under dim orange circles like....…