• Location: VGH
• Mood: awake

waking up is hard to do

gold coins of sunlight
bright reflections on the sea
myriads of sailboats in the bay
dark blue of snowless mountains
slope above the towers of windows

this is what i see this morning
my eyes are open
yesterday they were not
yesterday
i got stuck
my eyes were stuck
closed
in sleep
my fear
came true
i hate sleep
i hate sleep
lack of control
this land of nod
my head bobbed
nodded
tossed the seas
of wakeful dreams
when i gave in
it was better
proper naps
holding on to loved ones dearly
instead of falling
like alice down the rabbits hole
grasping on to tree roots
falling back awake among friends nodding in conversation
to something i don't remember having said


and so

i proclaim

today to be an AWAKE day!

please oh please
let it be so

there are many things i wish to do

put up my wall of love
take pictures of it in order to show it to my friends on here

read some more of my comments
please know that i have not read them all. there are just too many.
i am trying!

last night was my first night without justin here in my bed in the last 2 weeks or so. my mum also had been sleeping here in the room every night before yesterday. they needed a break. it's been a pretty intense couple of weeks. enter annie the super sister. she jumped in and is laying here beside me sleeping as i type. she is awesome and has done a great job filling in. soon we we will have to come to different arrangements with hunter and quinn and others taking turns as jobs have to be returned to. these are good things as it means i lived through this major crisis. wow. sometimes i have trouble thinking through just that.

i am also trying to simply be.

i don't know if i can explain the sensation of truly thinking you are going to not be
that the world was going to exist without me in it
words like memorial and after
tossed around like the hot piece of ash that scalds on impact
and now
daring to hope
tossed in with trying to recover
sprinkled with feeling like shit
is a wonderful thing to be
because i am to be at all

*sigh*

thankful.