do i give in to these feelings of fear, like tendrils wrapping around my heart, squeezing me into darkness.
my heart beats faster, a small animal caught in a cage trying to claw a way out, frantic to fly
breathing in and in and in but never out, suffocating on stale air

do i allow the frightened child inside me to bang her fists upon the floor and scream that its not fair?

do i acknowledge the realist in me?

calmly consider a world without me in it?
evaluate my life goals and see if i'm happy with the path i've chosen
repair burnt bridges and reconnect with friends long since lost
pass on my message of love to all who have walked hand in hand with me, even if only for a little while
start collecting memories and recording them, ready to be passed on to the friends i'm afraid will forget the moments they changed my life.

as if my life is a delicate spider web holding millions of droplets of precious miniscule memories, i'm afraid that if one string breaks, if the gossamer falls to the ground, these treasures will fall with me.

when is too soon to start the project of wrapping these gifts?
am i giving up?

i'm not giving up.

i just don't want to be under prepared.

i don't want to find myself at the end gasping, fighting, straining, unable to communicate..feeling like there were things left unsaid.

i have stories to tell. i have theories about our world. i have declarations of love.

or do i not even go there?

do i pour all of my focus into healing? do i turn inward? visualize my lungs breathing in and out, in and out, in and out, stretching with every breath. do i hope for recovery?

or do i wish for another transplant? and how can one 'wish' for transplant. i am aware of the death of my donor every day and now as my family prepares to possibly lose me it is even more immediate that my birth will be the ruin of yet another family.
that each milestone, each holiday tradition, each celebration is heartbreaking and the saddest one yet for someone's sister and brother. i cannot wish for this. i also don't want that family in mourning to be mine.

or yet another possibility...

do i ignore it all?

do i live each day for the gift that it is?

put one foot in front of the other and try to keep my hands busy and my mind active? set small goals and continue to participate in society? spend time doing the little things that lower my heart rate and make me happy. laugh with friends , curl up with my cat, rest, draw, write.
anything to keep from loneliness and the hollowness that it echoes in my heartbeat.

or do i focus on what is it i've done here?

scramble as fast as i can to get my message as far as it can go. spread awareness about cf, help to find a cure to spare others of this fate. speak at functions, push the film internationally, try and do interviews before its too late. write back to everyone who needs support. try and influence one person at a time.

i think a lot about my legacy.

about making a difference, leaving this world better for having been apart of it.

i won't have children. this breaks my heart more than anyone will ever know.
a child is a form of legacy. it is a part of you that lives beyond your skin. children are the gift of immortality. the love between a mother and child is the strongest bond and one i rarely admit to yearning for.

what will make me immortal?
on whose heart have i left fingerprints?
have i changed this place?
did i do enough?